Blog Entry May 31st 09

I originally posted this as a note on Facebook backe when I decided to use FB as a Blog outlet. This di not work very well. Allot has changed in my life since this entry, however the point is still very valid.



Am I alone?

I used to feel...hope...that I was important to my friends and loved ones. People close to me and sharing my time and space. There was always something holding back, within. Something I could not share, though exactly what I was barely aware myself. Some thing that always left me feeling alien no matter where I was or whom I was with. I was an object, a prop.

When I couldn't stand myself I abandonned friends and family, somehow determining to be a different person through sheer association. To find myself in others where I couldn't find myself within my own self. Running. Leaving bridges behind me charred messes, no return.

Slowly I pieced myself together and figured out what it was I was missing. I had a group of friends whom I truly felt were a real family for once. I belonged and since they helped me accept myself I assumed they would accept me as well. Things did not go as desired and I found myself suddenly with nobody. Falling endlessly within a vaccum. I became very aware of a great phoniness in the world.

I cannot blame my friends for this; you see I was not the person they felt they had befriended. Their love for me was a lie. You cannot live a life which is a lie and then expect others to love what is truth. You have to love your own truth first. Those you attract into your life then truly love you and are of value. Cherish them.

But this realization is not the solice it promises either. No matter how much pride you have in yourself and how many people you manage to find who can love you for who you are; those same people have their own friends and family they have to share and explain you to as well. Rejection by association. Friends in private who seem ideal next to you cannot know you in public or to their friends or family. They themselves do not see you as anything bizarre or wrong but they still have the worry or disdain from those they have around them that say they love them. Even if you build your loves on tuth the rest of the world builds theirs off of lies.

In this way false love can often be more real than real love. At the very least it is easier to attain and maintain so long as you can live with the inner turmoil of hiding who you truly are. Can you live with the illusion that people understand and accept you when they do not have a clue?

Never before in my life have I had such a steady stream of support and respect from others, such words of adoration and love. You are so "strong" and so "outspoken", these are what I love about you. But also I spend more time alone, just sitting. Denied spending more time with these same people who seem to truly love me. Not available, have plans, just dissapear. Where before I was included, I am not even asked. Where before I was planned around, I am hardly concidered.

Forever a Juliet looking for a Romeo to love me fully regardless of familial ties.